stucked
I tend to be sentimental with a lot of dates. Every morning, I wake up, thanking for the breaths I am taking in and out, and hoping that the day won’t suck. I check my mobile phone and always get stuck to what date it is.
***
A year ago, I can still vividly remember that I had a haircut in a high-end urban salon. My friend told me that I was just wasting money because I did not even bother to change my hairstyle. That same old playsafe me – of course, for those I-don’t-have-that-time-for-my- hair days. She said that I should try new things. New things.
I went to a chapel afterwards. I wanted to comfort myself. New things. Again, my mind was racing again, classifying new things. What are new things anyway? I went blank. I am obsolete. I am so sorry for myself.
I watched a movie afterwards.
***
Half a decade ago, I can still remember that I stared at my closet longer than usual, picking up my most ladylike wardrobe. I went out of our humble abode, greeted the sun, wished that I could hold onto this “idea”.
I smiled a lot that whole day. I did not notice mall-goers and did not bother to bash on social realities that pollute such a dwelling. The time ticked a little slower than usual.
We watched a movie afterwards.
***
It’s different now. To most people, it is not making sense at all. Well, just to remind myself, they always think that way.
But in reality, it is still the same. I could still feel happy, excited, elated on this day. And as the day ends, most of the time, I felt wasted, even regretful why I’m still stucked up. And still nobody understands.
It’s just too difficult to have a perspective. Sometimes I just don’t believe myself anymore. I don’t know if I’m still this person moving, breathing, living. Everything that I treasured from the past, those colorful moments are now downgraded into meaningless incoherence. I cannot even distinguish if those things really happened or if it’s just make-believe.
***
I am still asking all the questions. But I am still enchanted by the idea that I can have the answers.
